you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
