I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
