Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
