Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
