allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize