can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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