Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
