Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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