You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
