I wanna bring you to show and tell
Banned from zoo.
Again?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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