Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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