Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
