My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
