My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
