Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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