the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
