I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
