Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
soo... how was my night?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize