dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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