while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
