Jerry, you need to find god
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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