You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
