Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If I die, sorry about rent.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
