Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
