I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
