Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
