I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
