I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
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