I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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