I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
