I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
