If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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