Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
