Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
