I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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