Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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