I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
That accounts for only three of the penises
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize