seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
