i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
