The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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