At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
