I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
