Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
