tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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