So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
