ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
