sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize