Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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