My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
