If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
