you would pick up someone in the library
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
