I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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