My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
