Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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