I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
