mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
