a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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