I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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