i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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