just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
