Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
