He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
